Lost Journal – Found

In my book I refer to a trip I took to San Francisco – mid-divorce. I just found the journal that I used on that trip and it is interesting now to read the entry – and also reflect on the journey and where I am now.

April (?) 2007

The frustration of wasting ones imagination on events or circumstances one cannot influence!!! I have several men in my life but only one really loves me for my “moments of glad grace” but I don’t love him. Who should I love and why do I get bogged down trying to control things that are out of my control. Am I crazy to throw myself into the restless waters of love – after ten years of comfortable – non-threatening love (and yes non-passionate love)? Why am I so impatient? The timing is all wrong – still living under the same roof with old love – yet I long for a connection.

Ten things I know to be a fact right now:

1. I made the right move in ending my marriage.
2. My kids need me and my attention and my affection.
3. Keep working from your heart and it will come back to repay you ten-fold.
4. Life is full of mysteries yet to be unfolded.
5. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all (Helen Keller).
6. I would rather take loves extremes than complacency in love.
7. Don’t be scared to fly alone – figure out what you want and go for it.
8. Cherish and give energy to those relationships that sustain you.
9. Listen to the winds of your soul and follow where your heart wants to go (Cat Stevens).
10. Once life becomes comfortable and there is nothing to fear-nothing to fight for- it means, in turn, there is nothing to look forward to.

It feels painfully good to write again – I have filled countless journals with entries professing love lost and love found. I have been inspired, admired and cursed (presently the later), by many men. They penetrate me (metaphorically speaking) for a moment in time until another comes along to distract. Am I wiser now? A decade ago I asked for the ultimate connection and found true love. I made the leap into marriage and motherhood without hesitation. I traded a very successful career to become the dutiful wife and mother. Would I have done anything different? I loved Adrian, and I wanted to marry him and have his children. We had some stellar moments and shared all those hallmark moments of love, kids, and family —etc…. Possibly I am just a restless romantic in search of uncertainty in love and unexpected passion. Possibly no one man could have satisfied me for a lifetime.

I have been fortunate–my life has been a great adventure and at 40 – I am still optimistic. This has been a year that will define the next decade. I have followed my heart and my intuition and at the moment I find myself at a wonderful time of self-discovery, a sense of minimalism, spirituality and awareness of the earth and those who are on the same path that I am on right now. I recognize them by the light in their eyes.

Rooted in me is a compassionate, loving person who wants to live life fully. I will do my best not to hurt anyone along the way.

Excerpt: Adrian’s Behavior

(December 16, 2006)
Adrian’s Behavior

I returned home this afternoon to find the kids running amok and Adrian in his bedroom with the curtains drawn. It was obvious to me that he had been crying. I sat at the edge of the bed and tried to comfort him. I told him that everything was going to turn out for the best, even if it feels hopeless now. I also told him – in a sweet way – that this was no joy ride for me either, but that I was trying to handle it in a way that was not apparent to the kids. He said he felt a sense of overwhelming apathy with no desire to do anything, much less continue on in this current situation. I never quite know what that means. Is it a plea for help or an actual suicidal threat? I have been here so many times before, where I’ve gotten myself in a funk after investing countless and pointless hours in trying to snap him out of it.

I eventually always say what he wants to hear – “Go to the farm; I will take care of the kids”.

Book Press Release

Click Here: http://www.emediawire.com/releases/2008/4/emw835824.htm

ITUNES – IMIX – Divorce Playlist

iMix “DIARY OF DIVORCE FROM A DEPRESSED STONER” has been published in the iTunes Music store at:

http://phobos.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewIMix?id=278076063

Exerpt: The In-Laws

(September 26, 2006)
The In-Laws

Today was an emotional day, to say the least. Adrian went to his parents last night because he felt he could not stay at the house. He told them that I had asked him for a divorce. This hit them hard, because while they sensed some discord, I don’t think they had any idea how deep it went. I have never confided in his parents about his dependence on pot. I felt it was somewhat of a taboo subject – kind of like ratting out your brothers for sneaking alcohol when they were teenagers. But I struggled with not telling them many times, because in my mind it was something that needed to be addressed while treating his depression. I came very close to telling them three years ago when Adrian hit rock bottom and was suicidal, but Adrian talked me out of it.

In a way, when I married Adrian I think his parents breathed a sigh of relief and then somewhat dumped him on me. He had suffered from serious bouts of depression throughout his teenage and college years and has been suicidal occasionally. I came on board with my “glass is always overflowing” attitude and they thought, “Perfect – she can take over.” Little did I know when we got married that I would be investing countless weekends into trying to lift him out of an emotional slump. I would have to learn the hard way not to take things personally. As a new wife and hormonally challenged new mother, his mood swings hit me hard.

So here we are, fast-forward about ten years, sitting in my living room. Adrian is to my right and my in-laws are on the couch across from me, and I am spilling the beans. “Yes” your son has a serious pot-smoking problem and has had it for over twenty years, and “Yes” I want out.

To Purchase the Book: http://www.lulu.com/content/2175376

Exerpt: falling or flying

(September 1, 2006)

FALLING OR FLYING

 I have been pondering this idea for a while: What precisely is it that I want, or feel is missing in my life, that has caused me to want to stop this train and get off at 40?  What exactly do I want the next chapter of my life to look like? And whom do I see playing the leading man, and what does my character look like? But first…a quick glance back… 

At age 19 I moved out to California with $800 on an intuitive whim, you could say.  For whatever reason, I felt compelled to come. I left at a time when things were stagnating for me in Ohio I was in college, working two jobs, partying a lot with friends, not in great physical shape, lacking in direction and inspiration.  It felt like the right thing to do at the time. 

Plans were made, parents notified (and not happy), money was being saved (but not enough), and all of a sudden, life took on meaning — I had a plan.  And then out of nowhere a boy entered, kissed me on the bow of a boat, and I fell madly in love.  And all of a sudden, life took on new meaning. The next few months flew by in a romantic-teenage-sex-love-flurry, and before I knew it, it was time to pack up my whole life and move to California where I knew no-one, had no job, no place to live and about $800 to see me through and was leaving, what I thought at that time, was the great love of my life. 

I flew out with a few suitcases and a lot of naive optimism, which over the course of the next several years was hit by tornados, tsunamis, fire and floods and put through the wash cycle — but eventually came out a better product.  In a nutshell, I experienced: the loss of the love of my life at the time, extreme poverty, a depressed and bi-polar brother, broken friendships, an array of nut-case men, stalkers, family dramas, more poverty, over-indulgence, school deficiencies, marriage proposals, the loss of my father, re-location to over ten new living spaces, career challenges.  The highs came in the way of stronger family ties, as a result of extreme testing, great friendships, romance, an exciting career, adventure, knowledge, travel, intelligence, spirituality, independence, love, marriage, children. and a deep sense of commitment to living life fully. 

Then the years went by and after years of being on autopilot, I hit 40. Things came to a screeching halt and I am forced to do this silly recap and figure out if I want to stay on the same track or branch off as soon as possible. So, that is where I am today — looking at the fork in the track, taking stock of where I am and where I am headed. I know, fundamentally, that I am in good shape – physically, socially, psychologically and spiritually. But when I look around at my partner — I realize he is not so good. We have been living the congenital, baton-pass of a partnership for over three years. 

We have issues — his pot smoking, my controlling nature, his lack of grooming, my spending habits, blah blah …typical stuff. Fingers are pointed back and forth, communication breakdown, sex hiatus, detachment, bitter resentment…same scenario, many times played out.   So at 40 I am asking myself one question – is this the person I want to spend the next 40 years of my life with? When the kids are gone and the baton pass stops and we actually have to spend time together — do I envision it being enjoyable?  And sadly enough, the answer is no…. 

Now, over the last several months I have been in a reflective, introspective, seeking clarity mode. And one could argue this: if one is happy with oneself, and lives in the now, and does not seek fulfillment or happiness from another, then why can’t one just “love the one you’re with”? 

To Purchase the Book: http://www.lulu.com/content/2175376

 

Book Summary

A heartfelt memoir of how one woman survived the breakdown of her marriage to a man who suffers from severe depression and an addiction to marijuana.  Her journal reveals how she made the difficult choice to leave a man she loved but could not save.  she turns 40 and asks hersef one question – is this the person she wants to spend the next 40 years of her life with? When the kids are gone and the baton pass stops and they actually have to spend time together? And sadly enough, the answer was no.

Over the course of the year, following her decision to part ways, she experiences lows when dealing with the emotions of extracting from an already depressed man, financial concerns, and self-doubt about her decision.  She experiences highs in the way of stronger family ties, new friendships, romance, an exciting career, meaningful coincidences, a newfound spirituality, and a deep sence of commitment to living life fully and taking charge of her destiny.

To Purchase the Book: http://www.lulu.com/content/2175376