(September 1, 2006)
FALLING OR FLYING
I have been pondering this idea for a while: What precisely is it that I want, or feel is missing in my life, that has caused me to want to stop this train and get off at 40? What exactly do I want the next chapter of my life to look like? And whom do I see playing the leading man, and what does my character look like? But first…a quick glance back…
At age 19 I moved out to California with $800 on an intuitive whim, you could say. For whatever reason, I felt compelled to come. I left at a time when things were stagnating for me in Ohio I was in college, working two jobs, partying a lot with friends, not in great physical shape, lacking in direction and inspiration. It felt like the right thing to do at the time.
Plans were made, parents notified (and not happy), money was being saved (but not enough), and all of a sudden, life took on meaning — I had a plan. And then out of nowhere a boy entered, kissed me on the bow of a boat, and I fell madly in love. And all of a sudden, life took on new meaning. The next few months flew by in a romantic-teenage-sex-love-flurry, and before I knew it, it was time to pack up my whole life and move to California where I knew no-one, had no job, no place to live and about $800 to see me through and was leaving, what I thought at that time, was the great love of my life.
I flew out with a few suitcases and a lot of naive optimism, which over the course of the next several years was hit by tornados, tsunamis, fire and floods and put through the wash cycle — but eventually came out a better product. In a nutshell, I experienced: the loss of the love of my life at the time, extreme poverty, a depressed and bi-polar brother, broken friendships, an array of nut-case men, stalkers, family dramas, more poverty, over-indulgence, school deficiencies, marriage proposals, the loss of my father, re-location to over ten new living spaces, career challenges. The highs came in the way of stronger family ties, as a result of extreme testing, great friendships, romance, an exciting career, adventure, knowledge, travel, intelligence, spirituality, independence, love, marriage, children. and a deep sense of commitment to living life fully.
Then the years went by and after years of being on autopilot, I hit 40. Things came to a screeching halt and I am forced to do this silly recap and figure out if I want to stay on the same track or branch off as soon as possible. So, that is where I am today — looking at the fork in the track, taking stock of where I am and where I am headed. I know, fundamentally, that I am in good shape - physically, socially, psychologically and spiritually. But when I look around at my partner — I realize he is not so good. We have been living the congenital, baton-pass of a partnership for over three years.
We have issues — his pot smoking, my controlling nature, his lack of grooming, my spending habits, blah blah …typical stuff. Fingers are pointed back and forth, communication breakdown, sex hiatus, detachment, bitter resentment…same scenario, many times played out. So at 40 I am asking myself one question - is this the person I want to spend the next 40 years of my life with? When the kids are gone and the baton pass stops and we actually have to spend time together — do I envision it being enjoyable? And sadly enough, the answer is no….
Now, over the last several months I have been in a reflective, introspective, seeking clarity mode. And one could argue this: if one is happy with oneself, and lives in the now, and does not seek fulfillment or happiness from another, then why can’t one just “love the one you’re with”?
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