In my book I refer to a trip I took to San Francisco – mid-divorce. I just found the journal that I used on that trip and it is interesting now to read the entry – and also reflect on the journey and where I am now.
April (?) 2007
The frustration of wasting ones imagination on events or circumstances one cannot influence!!! I have several men in my life but only one really loves me for my “moments of glad grace” but I don’t love him. Who should I love and why do I get bogged down trying to control things that are out of my control. Am I crazy to throw myself into the restless waters of love – after ten years of comfortable – non-threatening love (and yes non-passionate love)? Why am I so impatient? The timing is all wrong – still living under the same roof with old love – yet I long for a connection.
Ten things I know to be a fact right now:
1. I made the right move in ending my marriage.
2. My kids need me and my attention and my affection.
3. Keep working from your heart and it will come back to repay you ten-fold.
4. Life is full of mysteries yet to be unfolded.
5. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing at all (Helen Keller).
6. I would rather take loves extremes than complacency in love.
7. Don’t be scared to fly alone – figure out what you want and go for it.
8. Cherish and give energy to those relationships that sustain you.
9. Listen to the winds of your soul and follow where your heart wants to go (Cat Stevens).
10. Once life becomes comfortable and there is nothing to fear-nothing to fight for- it means, in turn, there is nothing to look forward to.
It feels painfully good to write again – I have filled countless journals with entries professing love lost and love found. I have been inspired, admired and cursed (presently the later), by many men. They penetrate me (metaphorically speaking) for a moment in time until another comes along to distract. Am I wiser now? A decade ago I asked for the ultimate connection and found true love. I made the leap into marriage and motherhood without hesitation. I traded a very successful career to become the dutiful wife and mother. Would I have done anything different? I loved Adrian, and I wanted to marry him and have his children. We had some stellar moments and shared all those hallmark moments of love, kids, and family —etc…. Possibly I am just a restless romantic in search of uncertainty in love and unexpected passion. Possibly no one man could have satisfied me for a lifetime.
I have been fortunate–my life has been a great adventure and at 40 – I am still optimistic. This has been a year that will define the next decade. I have followed my heart and my intuition and at the moment I find myself at a wonderful time of self-discovery, a sense of minimalism, spirituality and awareness of the earth and those who are on the same path that I am on right now. I recognize them by the light in their eyes.
Rooted in me is a compassionate, loving person who wants to live life fully. I will do my best not to hurt anyone along the way.